Hey, hey, woah there, man! You're lucky I happened to be in the area, man, or else you'd be splattered ALL over that drunk's windshield... Why are you looking at me like that? OH, right. Yeah, I'm an angel, no joke. These bad boys are real. Call me Steve. Nice to meet you. Mind if I smoke? No? Great. So, let me guess, you want to know what the afterlife's like, huh? That's what they all ask. Alright, well, sit down on this bench and shut up. I might as well give you the run down.

Well, first off, to understand all of it , you have to understand the big guy. Yeah, everybody who imagines this big Zeus-like old white guy almost got it right. He's old and white, but he's certainly not ripped. Imagine your grandfather, but with the power to destroy cities. He's pretty much the racist, sexist, homophobic old guy you could find at any retirement home. Don't worry, he's not omniscient. He gets his information from us. We're the ones who always watch after you pricks. Luckily, we don't really tell God anything anymore ever since his second son took over.

Yeah, Jesus is his SECOND son. Lucifer's his first son. Yeah, Satan. Oh, jeez, does Satan have a bad PR department. You know that cliche rebellious son who leaves his intolerant father behind and tries to make the world a better place? That's him. See, Satan thought his old man was doing it wrong. He thought humanity was doing good the way it was, and that God wasn't as infalliable as he's presented as. God disagreed. There was an argument, and so Lucifer left. He constructed Hell and has since been trying to get people not to listen to his dad ever since.

Jesus is more of the daddy's boy. He was a real stoner in his teen years, that's why you never see that in the Bible, but he turned around. He's a real beuocratic asshole these days. Has us always on watch, but never lets us do anything. There are so many of us that have itchy trigger fingers, I can't even BEGIN to tell you what some of us would do to you guys.

See, I'm going to give you a piece of advice: You do NOT want to go to Heaven. Figured you'd look suprised. Trust me, when I figured it out, I was fucking pissed off. I wasted my life and I ended up picking the wrong path. I feared God so much I ended up missing out. Now, sure, I can fly, which is great, but I can't have sex anymore. I'm a fucking Ken doll down there. So, what we do in Heaven is sit around, watch sappy home movies, and play cards.

Meanwhile, down in Hell, those bastards are having the times of their fucking afterlives. Hell isn't the wasteland God wants you to believe. You know how old people distrust goths and anyone or anything they don't understand? They think those people are so much worse then they actually are. In Hell, you can have sex all the time, dance to great music, research schools of thought God doesn't agree with, and you're your own fucking person. Lucifer just wants people to accept what they are and do the things they want. It's a really open and nice community down there.

Trust me on this, I'd cast off these wings and get right down there if I still had my fucking penis. But, without it, it's pretty much worthless. So, when I can, I try to give people like you, you firm believers, an idea of what it's all like. Go out, get laid, try and help as many people realize what they really should be doing with their lives. Don't get trapped into this old motherfucker's mind game. It's the same bullshit for all eternity.

Well, you go get home to your family. Maybe I'll bump into you in the future and check up on you. Remember what we talked about, alright? Alright, man, go in peace.





now where's my fuckin...oh, here it is.









Hey, man! Yeah, of course it worked. Those nutfuck Evangelicals will believe anything. Now come pick me up, these fucking wings are heavy as fuck. I want to wash up before we hit the bar tonight. Alright, man, see you in two. Bye.